俗语说家家有本难念得劲。In english, Every family got it's own problem to handle. Living in a fallen world like this, These problems are bound to happen, so what is my family problem?
Back in 2004, because of a incident that took place in woodlands checkpoint,all problem start coming out. It happen on my dad himself, he bought an cigerette pack over from malaysia, and got caught. He was fine $350 dollars. With no money on hand, he went back to my mum and plead for money to hand the fines. My mum didn't help, just turn away and said, "find your friends to pay for you, i'm not gonna help you." These incident created hatred in my dad's heart, from that particular incident onwards, he stopped giving house allowance, because he said that my mum would rather see him going to jail then helping him, despite the status of husband and wife. To think about these, why didn't my mum help? It is very subjective matter, to me, i feel like my mum wouldn't want the hard earn money to go to waste, although my mum do have a bit of saving on hand.
Soon after, my dad went to commit adultery, with so much money on hand without giving the family allowance. All the responsibility of rising up the family falls on my mother. My mum is once a nanny, after years of taking care of infant, she couldn't find any more baby to look after, she stepped out and work, to ensure that we had enough money for our studies, she hardly spend on herself, even on chinese new year, at most she will buy a top, that all. Work and work to support the family. Always worry about money, she hardly know the world around her because she didn't went through education or maybe just up to primary six.my father committing adultery, she cry and cry over it, bitterness in her heart,until she didn't care about it anymore. hatred developed in her heart too.
Until now, my father hardly gives any allowance, i'm the only communicator to my dad in the family. despite not giving allowances, i still does so. Because he can't sense any warm in the family, i'm giving him the warm. back then after the incident, my mum instruct my sister and me not to greet my dad anymore.being ignorant at that time, we follow what ours mum says, therefore from that day onwards, my dad can't sense any warmness from home, he often seek comfort from the outside world, dwell in the world of lust, beer, sex desires. I started to communicate with my dad only when i went church, i understand the importance of family support and love to every individual. Without love, life is meaningless to many.
I talk to him, communicate, try to let him feel the love that he needs. but somehow, its doesn't work well. Having dwell in the outside world for so long, he always forgotten he is a dad of two, he forgotten how to love, he doesn't know how to appreciate the things that is around him, all he know is to blame all the fault of today's tragedy on my mum. He has come to a stage whereby we feel that he is feel from all responsibility in the house, he just wanna enjoy life outside, because home to him, is just a place where he can get his sleep. My mum and sister doesn't talk to him, walk pass him like a transparent human, i dun blame them. because many chances are given to him to change, but he didn't bother to do so.
Many many times, he gives his promise to me of giving the family allowance, its is just 200 bucks. from the times when i started asking from him to give, till today, he gave a monthly allowance of less than 10 times. sometimes he is out of job, sometimes he is in depth, sometimes he put his desires above my request. around for 4 months i been asking from him, we gives his promise, and he break it again and again, just saying, next month, next month.
For every given promise, hope is pin on it. whenever it fail, we lose some faith to believe it again. To the extend when you don't pin any more hope on it. recently he brought back a women to the house and got caught by my sister. my sister took a photo and whatapps me. When i saw it, disappointment came upon my heart, "What kind of dad do i have? Again and again he betray the trust i have put on him, i just feel hopeless and pointless to speak to him again" My sister want me to take this chance to stop all communication between me and him. I thought it is pointless. I send him a text msg, writing out all the things that he did and it is deem as him not appreciating this family. Such as not giving money to the family, not appreciating the things in the family, picking up fight with my mum due to his inside hatred last time, putting me below the world desire etc. i came from that night, he saw me, he took at me and turn away not speaking a word. There he is, running away from problem again. We is a weak, who doesn't dare to face his problem. i thought above the msg's i sent, i thought that is a bit too harsh of expectation that i want from him, i apologized to him, and i told him, i truly mean some of the things i said in the msg, i want him to reflect on his own doings all these years, that include a screwed up life being trap in the circle and lust beer woman sex. And i says his religion can't even help him to turn to become a better person. i want him to accept mine. He just barely answer, okay, i can accept you, but i dun have time to go church. And he start to talk about my mum,"no matter what, me and your mum can never reconciled, blah blah blah".
My dad thought that he has fully comprehend life, always speak those chimilogy of life whenever i talk to him about my jesus. But end of the day, he live a screwed up life. totally screwed up, everyday when he came back home, i see the face of him, i dun even want to talk to him, so listless and tired, often come back with a can of beer. Not a bit of cheerfulness i can see it him, The face where i can see nothing in him, just a man who loves to waste his life away. Screwed up on myself also. i'm not a good communicator also, many times when i see his face, i feel so sad, why is my dad like this? The faces of him seem the same, coming back home to drink, smoke, cook his meal and watch tv. I screwed up too, i see this dad of mine, i can't be bothered. I know its not my 100% in reaching out to him because overtime when i see him, i feel hopeless.
These few days he hasn't been talking to me, not making the effort too, stuck in his room and not come out as much as possible. i'm not making the effort too. because i dunno how to. I dislike the arrogant face of his, not listening to what i'm saying. i don't hate him, i'm disappointed about him, that all.
However, he is not like this when we are still children, he takes care of the family, give allowance, always come back home with durians, heart to heart talk with us and a loving father. He is once a good man.
After so long struck in the outside world, nothing can really pull him back, even if he decides to change, sub-conciously, he will gave up. because he doesn't see a purpose in changing himself into a better man, he deem that even if he does, nobody is gonna appreciate it.
I'm helpless in these situation, i dunno what else i can do expect to bring him to know the truth, the light, the way. so that he can rely on the mighty strength of god to stay away for the world's temptation. i shall do nothing for the time-being except pray for open ways every night. May the open way be open up according to god's plan.
Lastly, i'm imperfect too, please forgive me if you think i'm as not in the position to speak about my dad because i'm as screwed up as him to speak about it.
