Letting go of your first love...

Of all, why i chose on this topic to write about, because some how i feel that i haven let go of it totally, perhaps a bit of regret to let go out such as a friendship. Every relationship started off great and welcoming, the immatureness of oneself or both killed the happiness and intimacy of relationship. First love may be the hardest to let go, why? because you pinned all your hopes on the person you loved, you give your all into it, ended up..it's just not the result you wanted. During the process of the relationship, the other partner might hurt you somehow, or you may do things that hurt yourself unknowingly. You thought of saving the relationship and you hurt yourself more instead. after a while, you thought about it, "i should have....",i shouldn't be doing....", "only if i...." etc. Yes, things might ended up with all the assumption you made after the relationship. but, it's over already. You might want to pull it back some much, but if the other party doesn't. It only kill your inner self more. It takes two hands to clap. You might console yourself and said:"never mind, its okay its okay." but you inner self is dying. thinking about it, pictures of the past relationship showed up in your mind, the happy memories...the moments together. Yes. you want it back so much. But its very much impossible, because it will take a lot of effort for the one wanting the relationship back. It's just so hard, because you don't know what's the other half thinking. my advice is to leave it, maybe one day you meet your past love one day, if both of you are meant for each other, eventually the relationship will take back to its road. or if both of you really love each other, the connection will be there. although I'm not any professional doctor love, i know many people went through this path, some might not be able to pick themselves up again, some never believe in love again. What i can say is, "It's part of growing up!" through it, you learn, you grow. I went to google for some information to let go of it totally. Yes. i really got one great article. will copy and paste the link below the post. i really think it helps. will paste the main information here.

1. Practice releasing regrets.

When a relationship ends, it’s tempting to dwell on what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. This might seem productive—like you can somehow change things by rehashing it. You can’t.

All dwelling does is cause you to suffer. When you start revisiting the past in your head, pull yourself into the moment. Focus on the good things in your current situation: the friends who are there for you and the lessons you’ve learned that will help you with future relationships.

It might help to tell your friends to only let you vent for 10 minutes at a time. That way you’re free to express your feelings, but not drown in them.

2. Work on forgiving yourself.

You might think you made the biggest mistake of your life, and if only you didn’t do it you wouldn’t be in pain right now. Don’t go down that road—there’s nothing good down there!

Instead, keep reminding yourself that you are human. You’re entitled to make mistakes; everyone does. And you will learn from them and use those lessons to improve your life.

Also, keep in mind: if you want to feel love again in the future, the first step is to prepare yourself to give and receive it. You can only do that if you feel love toward yourself; and that means forgiving yourself.

3. Don’t think about any time as lost.

If I looked at that unhealthy relationship or the following decade as time lost, I’d underestimate all the amazing things I did in that time. True, I was single throughout my 20s, but that made it easier to travel and devote myself to different passions.

If you’ve been clinging to the past for a while and now feel you’ve missed out, shift the focus to everything you’ve gained. Maybe you’ve built great friendships or made great progress in your career.

When you focus on the positive, it’s easier to move on because you’ll feel empowered and not victimized (by your ex, by yourself, or by time.) Whatever happened in the past, it prepared you for now—and now is full of opportunities for growth, peace, and happiness.

4. Remember the bad as well as the good.

Brain scientists suggest nearly 20 percent of us suffer from “complicated grief”—a persistent sense of longing for someone we lost with romanticized memories of the relationship. Scientists also suggest this is a biological occurrence; that the longing can have an addictive quality to it, actually rooted in our brain chemistry.

As a result, we tend to remember everything with reverie, as if it was all sunshine and roses. If your ex broke up with you, it may be even more tempting to imagine she or he was perfect and you weren’t. In all reality, you both have strengths and weaknesses and you both made mistakes.

Remember them now. As I mentioned in the post 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain, it’s easier to let go of a human than a hero.

5. Reconnect with who you are outside a relationship.

Unless you hop from relationship to relationship, odds are you lived a fulfilling single life before you got into this one. You were strong, satisfied and happy—at least on the whole.

Remember that person now. Reconnect with any people or interests that may have received less attention while you were attached.

The strong, happy, passionate person you were attracted your ex. That person will get you through this loss and attract someone equally amazing in the future when the time is right. Not a sad, depressed, guilt-ridden person clutching to what once was. If you can’t remember who you are, get to know yourself now. What do you love about life?


6. Create separation.

Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the past. It’s not easy to end all contact when you feel attached to someone. Breaking off the friendship might feel like ruining your chances at knowing love again.

It’s helped me to change my hopes to broader terms. So instead of wanting a specific person to re-enter your life, want love and happiness—whatever that may look like.

You will know love again. You won’t spend the rest of your life alone. In one way or another, you will meet all kinds of people and create all kinds of possibilities for relationships—if you forgive yourself, let go, and open yourself up, that is.

7. Let yourself feel.

Losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death, complete with a grieving process.

First you’re shocked and in denial. You don’t believe it’s over and you hold out hope. Next you feel hurt and guilty. You should have done things differently. If you did you wouldn’t be in this pain.

Then you feel angry and maybe even start bargaining. It would be different if you gave it a second go. You wouldn’t be so insecure, defensive, or demanding. Then you might feel depressed and lonely as it hits you how much you’ve lost.

Eventually you start accepting what happened and shift your focus from the past to the future.

You have to go through the feelings as they come, but you can help yourself get through them faster. For example, if you’re dwelling in guilt, make forgiving yourself a daily practice. Read books on it, meditate about it or write about it in a journal.

8. Remember the benefits of moving on.

When you let go, you give yourself peace.

Everything about holding on is torturous. You regret, you feel ashamed and guilty, you rehash, you obsess—it’s all an exercise in suffering. The only way to feel peace is to quiet the thoughts that threaten it.

Letting go opens you up to new possibilities.

When you’re holding onto something, you’re less open to giving and receiving anything else.

If you had your arms wrapped around a huge bucket of water, you wouldn’t be able to give anything other than that bucket, or grab anything else that came your way. You might even struggle breathing because you’re clutching something so all-encompassing with so much effort.

You have to give to receive. Give love to get love, share joy to feel joy. It’s only possible if you’re open and receptive.

9. Recognize and replace fearful thoughts.

When you’re holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love. Love wants for the other person’s happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel the alternative.

You might not recognize these types of fearful thoughts because they become habitual. Some examples include: I’ll never feel loved again. I’ll always feel lonely. I am completely powerless. Replace those thoughts with: All pain passes eventually. It will be easier if I help them pass by being mindful. I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it.

10. Embrace impermanence.

Nothing in life lasts forever. Every experience and relationship eventually runs its course.

The best way to embrace impermanence is to translate it into action. Treat each day as a life unto itself. Appreciate the people in front of you as if it were their last day on earth. Find little things to gain in every moment instead of dwelling on what you lost.

When I feel like clinging to experiences and people, I remind myself the unknown can be a curse or an adventure. It’s up to me whether or not I’m strong and positive enough to see it as the latter.

Reference: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-a-past-relationship-10-steps-to-peacefully-move-on/

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Righteous over Evil

Not trying to push Christianity into it, but i would like to talk about Righteous over Evil through this particular video. I saw this video in the facebook post this afternoon. I watch it twice, i was pretty amazing, it is that easy with to stop evil by saying this words to the robber. While i was walking home during midnight, i made a analysis on the body language of the robber, i thought his body language was pretty fearful when he was entering the store, therefore few words simply scared him off. But i re-watched the video again when i was about to post on this, actually the man walked in with full faith into the store and wanting to commit this crime, fearless and firm.

While walking, i thought of the words that the women says in this video, is it because she was firm, therefore the man start to fear of her, and retreated, or otherwise. But i thought about it carefully, on her part, she is firm, on the second, it no longer about her fighting the war, it about the words that she uses. In the two statement that she made, the main words that cause the robber to retreat,"In the name of Jesus" and "By the power of the Holy Spirit".

Before getting convince that it is the words that she uses that scares off the robber, i made an comparison. Let me create one more scenario to compare with the real scenario. A scenario of using this words and not using it.

Imagine the robber came in with the gun, full of confidence that he will rob successfully. He spoke the words of robbing, the women is firm, She spoke something like,"I command you to leave the shop right now, i will not give you any money, you are committing robbing, if you dare to step closer, i shall call the police." The women, without any weapon, wanting to scare of the robber by being firm and strong. There is a chance of her scaring the robber off if the robber is amateur. But look, this robber come with a gun, He has one extra weapon with the women don't have. He could simply fire off the ceiling and demand the women to give him the money. In such cases, the chances of winning the war is a bit hard, Because it is a one to one war. Only the man and the women. And man with a extra weapon, the gun.

And now let's look into the real scenario, The first sentence spoken out by the women, "In the name of Jesus, i command you to leave the store right now!" Watch the video carefully,the body language of the man,the man begin to stumble, wave left to right, and using another hand to support the gun that he is holding. The second sentence spoken, "I will bind you by the power of the Holy Spirit! Leave now!" The man wave his gun, and leave the store. That easy. Pay attention over here, She is not fighting the war, she is using the name of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit to fight the war. this is a one to two war, Jesus and Holy Spirit! Two against one. The man is afraid.

Jesus had overcome death, conquer the evil. In the name of Jesus, all curse shall be broken. Therefore the evil in his heart started to lose faith. Eventually left.

Of course i believe in that normal human are able to overcome such situation too, But it will be a one to one war. As there is this Chinese phrase "邪不胜正", in English translation, evil shall not overcome the righteous. It is true that in many situations that the evil one never win the righteous.

But with the extra weapon of Jesus and Holy Spirit, it will break all evil works and evil will start to run away. In conclude, there power in these two words!

Dis-claimer: A personal opinion of my Point Of View which regards to this video.

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I'm falling asleep in office again!

My eyes are so tiring, the only thing i'm thinking now is sleeping. Taking a nap to let my energy recover, but cannot ar, in office. then i thought of what can make me awake, this blog came to my mind. lalala~~~ so now here i'm blogging. i feel not necessary to blog about society stuff all the time, can also write about my personal life and emotions into this blog, add some colours into my post.

So currently, things are moving in pretty smooth. usual life usual routine, but i'm bored by my work. The same kind of interface, same screen, same website, same testing codes. Just like when i'm doing my major project, seeing the same screen all the time. Cannot tahan ar.

i need to source my work-spirit to pull it up again. if not everyday i will be so unproductive. i like complaining like a kid, but its okay man, once in a while, maybe after all my complain i will get the spirit to work again leh? The same place, the same room, the same desk. looking at it, the word sian(sick) come out of my head. And this popular code that posted in facebook wall again and again. "You can't laugh again and again over the same joke, why do you cry again and again over the same thing?" just like random. As i'm talking, same place, same room, same desk. the picture of my room pop-up in my head, so warm and comfortable, that it, your bedroom.

Ya, and the feel to work is more or less coming back to me already, maybe my working style is work and rant work and complain. The cycle to get everything out of me. i'm listening to this song while writing the post, a very nice song by 劉德華-謝謝你的愛. old school music.

And i saw this picture wanna exercise again, i see someone in my Alma mater who slim down from fat to skinny. My gym session stopped for a month plus already i guess. Lazy again lor, my style. I need some motivation to train to be fit. till now still cannot find the motivation, but i dun want to go in NS for extra 2 months leh. lol. See how la. it always take the first time to make things to a success.

and i appreciated readers who appreciated some of the society matters i share in my post. Not every time will have such thoughts, once in a while,able to think well if matters are closing related to my life. that's it. 3.26pm 5 Jan 12.

Thought of writing about my driving lesson before i close the entry again, maybe after i complain, i will perform better. i'm learning manual driving.Clutch control,brake control,accelerator. Whenever i position my legs, it tends to shake a bit. i dunno why, but i still think that my legs position can be adjusted so it won't shake. And most of the time, because i dislike stopping the car and moving the car again from its stationary position because of the operation to make the car move. i always get reprimanded by my instructor, its like there obstacles in front of me about 50m, i still keep on moving despite the risk of danger.i'm still adapting to make myself comfortable with the manual control, because its like extra one step as compare to the automated car. The clutch. Nonetheless, through 22 lesson of driving, i'm finally stepping into circuit driving for the next lesson. finally. All these while i'm driving out ubi centre. getting use to it already, Turning left, right, U-turn, change lane, Stop Line, about there la. i use like 7 lesson to execute these movements properly. i guess after my circuit training. i should be ready to book for my exam. And i realised all those checking of blind spot, before turning, i execute them automating when i'm cycling, but when it comes to driving ar, another story. For all modes of roads users, i still prefer to be a cyclist.

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Setting your expectations on your spouse or others

I was thinking through this morning while making my way to work. I thought of my dad being disappointed with my mum because she can't meet his expectations as a wife, therefore it resulted the way it is till today.I think about it, my mum not able to meet my dad's expectations, is it my mum's fault? Actually no, it is my dad problems. I understand that being husband and wife, you will expect you spouse to meet certain requirements that you desire that he/she is able to meet it to satisfy your need. But thinking about it, if your wife can't meet it, means she can't, you can't expect everyone to think the same way as you do.Then i was thinking, so how, what if this thing happen to me, we sure to have certain expectation set for our partner or may not have for some people. If it happens, how should i manage it? Lower your expectation or set no expectation, but that equal to compromising your self-expectation for others.

i was once such demanding person too, until some time then i realized everyone see things differently, we should accept them for who they are. Equals to amending your expectation. Revising it to a standard where you can accept it. Till now i can't say whether i will have any expectation set for my wife. But i think is not necessary to set any expectation, because all my buddy, best friends, friends, they come without any expectations set for them. if i can accept them for who they are, and they can become important people in my life, there shouldn't be any exception for my wife. I will still accept her for who she is. Maybe some might say, lifetime partner and friends is different. So what if you really expect your wife to meet certain expectation that you have set for her to satisfy your needs? but you don't want to end up in disappointment?

To continue with my point, i think my dad got to realize that till date, our family has turn to this stage, it is his problem of not able to manage his expectation properly. and he is the one suffering now, because he cannot accept my mum for who she is.

So i done some research, and i realize we human almost set expectation for everything in life, for example, when you go to IKEA to shop, you expect friendly staff to assist you whenever you need help, but if you encountered someone who got a suck attitude and who gives you the wrong information that causes you to go round and round around IKEA, This pathetic customer is sure gonna complain and rant all the frustration he got from our staff to the manager.This happen in IKEA occasionally.(Anyway just a little joke and memories for my IKEA friends. haha.)

According to the research, 3 steps to set your expectation on people.

Step 1: Define a list of expectation you have for this person.

Step 2: Support your expectations with evidences of why this person can meet up to your expectation. (if you cannot find any evidence to support, you realized that you are setting it too high, if you can find evidence and support, good for you.) And you realized step 2 is like social-studies!

Step 3: Revise your expectation, if you have setting it too high.

Yes.that it!

To conclude, People got to realized everyone is different, we can't expect everyone to think the same way as us, see the same way as we do. Accept them for who they are!

References to the research: http://www.tipsonhealthyliving.com/health-and-wellness/are-your-expectations-out-of-line-with-reality

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