humphmm..it's been a long while seen i post about such issues, or such kind of social issue. i kinda like to go into these kind of topic.It's bring me to another level of self-actualisation. These few weeks has been very hard on my mental health.so here's the story.
It's was a sunday, i'm was at home, feeling bored...i went google webpage. i went to wireclub singapore, this is a social network platform for people to connect and make new friends. I wasn't new to this, last time when i first started with this social network.i make friend with a female friend.Till then, we are still friends.As in real friends and not online friend. Yes.So its a pretty good experience, i hoping to know somebody new from this social net again.well, specifically female friends.i don't have much female friends. finding a female soulmate is always part of what i want. It's just feel different as compare to guys. Because they are female, opposite sex attracts. same sex repel. blah blah.For you to choose to go out with the same sex or opposite sex, of course if the opp sex is as fun as the same sex, you will choose the female one isn't it? Ya. So i went there, browsed for 30 mins. hmm, no valid. all never seem to reply,forget it.I moved on. night time. randomly search on my iphone app store. "Chat online" or "chatroom online", can't remember. So guess what?, i found this app. "Badoo". Woah, mindblowing,i filtered the search for women, so many pretty girls. It's like you can choose and pick. It's like department store for clothes. Whatever pattern also have. So i went on, starting out conversation with "hello!", or "Hi!blah blah blah", whatever is that. Starting is good, those kind of exciting emotions rushes out from within when someone reply. Pretty women, their reply are like short short. "o.o","hi". Well as guys, okay lor, we start topic, blah blah blah for a while.The conversation died down. It's the building of rapport. Me being one-sided. Very tiring eh.But i'm determined to find the key to talk to pretty women. So i went to talk to other people lor.It's like so many for you to chat.Click, Type, and Send! 3 steps! Well, ended up the response still not very good. My morale went from very high to low. conversation starter. "Hi!blah blah blah" to "hi". Those like giving up kind attiude.So i went to google stuff."Conversation starter...etc", try it out again. It's still don't work out. There's a couple of them that will reply, but it takes up to 2 to 3 days kinda. Other are like not replying at all.
This hit me really hard, Whenever i see the chats not getting reply, my emotions will just get down, "angry at times".often,questions are popping up in my mind, "Why are they not replying?","wah, reply my msg takes the hell time from them","wah angry angry angry", whenever it's reached another early morning, I woke up and prepare myself for work, i will check my email from my iphone, "Badoo, You have a new message waiting for you", This is the email notication it will send to your inbox when you didn't reply to them within a certain timespan. For some moments when i wake up not seeing the email notification in mail, i will like "wah, why haven reply.:(" Sad emotions tigger within myself. I brought it to my workplace and whenever i go. Whenever i open up the badoo app again, "Can i not try anymore, they won't reply for sure". So these kind of emotions went on for weeks, perhaps two to three weeks? It's torturing enough. It's like a everyday suffering kind. Unhappy! All i think in my mind is about the app, "badoo,badoo,badoo".
Deep down i know something is wrong with me, I'm going in the direction where i gonna haywire.I start googling on topics such as"How to be more confident, How to boost your self esteem etc etc". Reading it more and more, the lousier i feel about myself. This emotions is really torturing.i can't help it but feel lousy about myself. And what's more crazy, whenever i walk in the crowd, i'm afraid to face the people. I will look at thier eyes to potray a strong front or to check whether they are looking at me. Whenever i see some pretty women, i will like tilt my head now, or just don't dare to look at them. See, Going through all these everyday, Low self-esteem, Low self-confidence, fear of the crowd. It's killing!
It's only when today when i was on my way to driving practice, i come to actualisation. i start to google about rejection. The webpage haven even load, i closed it and went for driving.After which,I was in the bus, i ran through my thoughts and everything of what i was feeling and behaving come to the moment of truth. It is social rejection that i'm feeling."It's the rejection that i get from people" I started to analyse the whole situation. It was me pinning hope on them for the replies. They didn't reply, it failed my expectation and i was rejected. Not being accepted by them. I wasn't prepared for rejection at all! I started all with high moral and it went all down to nothing.Got out of what i expected, got rejection from so many people. Wah, The feeling is worse than anything else, felt not accepted by them, therefore i got all these low self esteem, low self confidence questions popping up in my mind. And i realised i put these hope and expectation at the wrong people or i shouldn't be putting these hope in these social network people or i shouldn't be expectating acceptance from them. To sum up, i shouldn't place any expectation from them at all, putting it in the wrong place and wrong person.
First: they don't know me.
Second: they are not my friends
Third: they are not part of my life
It's is just a social network platform, nobody takes it seriously. Well,i'm the dumb dumb who took it so hard on myself. social acceptance should comes from people who know me, my family, my friends. i just expect too much for it. All and all, i just running the wrong track.
And i carry to analyze, Yes, i have it all, i got all those acceptance from my family and friends. i'm socially accepted from people who are in my life.
To sum it all. Social Acceptance is the best of the best. Because we as human long to be accepted everywhere we go. When somebody says you are good, you are nice, you are just too awesome! self-esteem, self-confidence will go up automatically. It will lead to a better quality of life as we will be more daring to live out our life because of the high social acceptance level, nothing will be too hard. While we as human fear of rejection as much as we love acceptance.Everyone longs for it, As long as you family members love you, you are the best in your life, that's the best acceptance. Whatever things that we do, that's know that family members love and care and accepts you. Rejection from other people are just part and parcel of life. And always beware with what you says to your friends,in angry situation or whatever. Address things in a proper manner, or else it will be a rejection for your friends if words are too harsh. It hurts definitely.It will hurt one's self-esteem. Might lead to other problem if not taken care of. Fat people often get rejected because of being the stock laughing among people. So beware!
P.S: Regards to social network, yeah, i will be still there, but i've revised my expectation and prepare to see rejection, most of all, not taking it too hard. I will still look for people of the same frequency.
