Looking back

Somehow, i feel like i have not change a single bit. i feel the DNA in me is the same. Lazy, shy, introverted, still afraid of rejection. Has the Lord changes me? I feel like over the years, it's more of the application that i try to apply into my life, but the build up nature in me, is still the same. I find that in every stage of life, there is always something that can hold me back, a fear, fear of inadequacy, fear of death, fear of contamination, basically, fear of the fear. I always like to spilt my life into two parts, before 2013 and after 2013. 2013 is the year when my health breakout, due to bad habit build up over the years, i found my body broke down, hairs loss, body changes. This experience literally broke me up, fear set in, into my life, i'm not longer invincable, im not longer a superman. i'm not longer that someone that won't breakdown. i try, i have tried to move on after 2013, it's took me a long while to put myself back to pieces, and move again. It is tiring, almost every single day i'm late for my work due to my poor health, unable to wake up early in the morning. Inevitably, it has affected my career standing, my studies, everything. In the pursue to get back my health, i realised that people don't go things in depth enough, always lingering in the surface, hence that taught me to always go deep, to find out more. Unnecessarily, the deeper we go, sometimes the deeper we fear. I'm still a Christian, it's just that i find that fairytales don't work in my life. I'm more of a hardwork person, that need to work 10x harder, to change my circumstances or situation. I'm actually quite over with the fairyworks of God. I also find that I always fall below expectation, below expectation of the world, below expectation to seek for love, to seek for casual sex, to seek for whatever you call it. The world has expectations, sometimes the outlook of the person is so important. Maybe a good looking person equate to someone who is not lazy? always keeping thier diet at watch, and hence they deserves more. But I'm heading that direction to get my life back. I want to be alpha, i don't want to lose out to other people, i want to be able to experience good sex, attractive girls etc. I'm kinda lose in the world of mine, not able to get the things i want really frustrates me. i need to work hard like the world does, in order to achieve. A guy that manages to exploit the soft spot of girls will continue to exploit. Those that can get girls will continue to not get them. Its a bit like, pretty girls are like the premium goods in the market, even if i can get them, i won't teach you the way to get them. Yet faced with another fear currently, but i just don't feel like writing in out. But i'm confident that this fear that i'm facing is not a matter of concern. My white hairs are all coming out because of these life stresses. sometimes, i just get into shit over and over again. but im done with wanting to reset my life. i fear of the things in life. Things that relates to social rejection, i fear them greatly. Anyway, plasticity, i guess i'm done with wanting to control what are the things that comes to my life so much. but more getting the things i want. To live a good life, adult-rich life, it actually consist a lot of things. Contentment will comes in when things are in places. When things are not in places, that's passive living to me. i'm not giving up to wanting to experience a good sex with attractive girl. End.

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