Hard Truths

Some of the hard truths about myself, it's 4.06am, i'm tired, but i just wanted to blog so much, if not i will just lose the feeling and thought at this particular moment in time.

Past weeks has been torturing, has been low, down and usual. bored, lifeless, colorless. It's very low and down, a feeling of loneliness, moodiness, colorless, lifeless. It's has been months since the start of my intern. Many colors in my life just faded away day by day since my intern started.

i'm a goalless person, i have no great dreams for me to achieve, i have no personal conviction, i'm as plain as a white t-shirt. i will want to stay the way i'm. But it doesn't bring any new life to my life."Dreams are important, without dreams, our life is gonna be meaningless" from one of the World's Strictest Parents series that i've watched. I pushed myself, to find my dream and goal in life for the past few weeks, i put to thought of being alone for a period of time, using the time to reflect and use this time to think and ask myself what i'm good for this life. I tried, many days of being alone at home. It's doesn't help. It's just seem so colorless.I know what i need, Colors. Colors in my life. Through the period of being alone, i'm determined to find my passion in life, my interest. I'm one who doesn't has extremely interest in something. I've many interests. Water-sports,Cycling, Jogging, Internet, Skating, Nature & exploration. ok, not many, but these are main. They are the so call undeveloped interest. Because i don't have extreme passion in them. Yes, so this is like the external me. Internal me?

i'm a people person, i need a lot of assurance from people in order to boost my esteem, i love to be in the limelight/centre-stage between people. i love to be appreciated, i love to be loved by people around me, i love people to call me up. i love people to ask me how's my day. My level of life-fufillment is defined by the people around me.If i'm around them and i joke around and tease around with them, they are happy, i'm happy. Because i make a difference. i would say us the assurance from people, i need people company in doing things too, its makes me more confident than doing it alone. The reason why i love ikea so much is because of the people. because i feel like the centre-staged when i work there. Like the core of the people whom co-workers can relate too. i love interaction. In a place where i know everybody and everybody knows me, I will display the true me. Because of the comfort-level i'm at. Why i can't excel and find joy in my intern place is because i'm not the centre-staged. I cannot relate to everyone over there. I cannot be myself. Maybe every much i'm afraid of judging if i display my real-self. I kept in low. Low-spirit work environment also. Extremely quiet, i cannot accept. i need to hear noise and perhaps joy, and laughter from the people there. The truth is, i wanted to be myself when i work over there, upon opening the door, i told myself, i will hum my songs while i walk-in. When i just went down after i stepped-in. Assurance and allowance i need from the people there is the key that i need, so that i can opened-up myself. i chatted with my cell-group members regards to this problem, one of them told me, office-culture are normally like this, from another, to start the culture of happy environment, it must start from you.And i took it all, but still left the workplace without changes.Therefore i can conclude that i'm person with in-securities. Assurance is exactly the cure for insecurities. What about giving myself the securities? That like an adrenaline, it only last for awhile and i'm revert back to normal. A lot of time is if they allow, i will. i'm not the kind of i'm who i'm, i can display myself up there without anything that bother. Is like putting a bomb out in there centre and see whether people will see the bomb. Unsafe. While in a place whereby people accepts you, they put on an armor for you and not you putting it on for yourself. The armor they put for you is of-course with much more honor than the one you put on yourself.I don't want to spread negativism in my blog, therefore i will hide it until i find an answer than i will blog about it. Another reason why i'm afraid of army is not because of the tough training. It's because of the people, i fear of rejection again. An image of me during my primary four float up in my mind, many eyes staring. Fear of rejection is the number 1 reason for suicide. Another image of the channel 8 drama come out, when the guy wanted to jump down because he injected harm to his grandma. Fear of rejection. I don't really know the core reason of my fear in rejection, but i really need to overcome it.

i've a strong conviction if this core this cured, i will be a person of a greater confidence towards everything in life. i need what i want, what i need most of the time. While the dreams and goals will hang there for the time being, perhaps when the core is solved, dreams and goals will comes?

i also believe that the people you mixes with make the person you are. i need to expose myself to more people and friends. So i can see what other i seeing and what i'm not seeing. It will brought to another point of not accepting for who i'm. I accept it i guess, just that i'm changing it for the better. Any comments are welcomed. Night! I need a life teacher perhaps. Someone to tell me many many stuff about life, but not hiding my personal values. Zhaos.

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